Make This Go On Forever
by MeredithGreyPotter1
Summary: MerDer. Possible Spoilers for Episode 3x25. Based on Promo bit, with tons of angst, ye be warned! What if Meredith was just the rebound girl? You don't marry the rebound girl. New and Final Chapter. Cont. of last chapter.
1. I Still Love You More Than Anyone Else

_**Disclaimer: In my world, there's nothing wrong with MerDer. Meredith doesn't have anything to worry about and…. ::::::SPOILER ALERT!!:::::: That skanky bar girl wouldn't have been offered an episode arc for next season, possibly thirteen episodes ::::: END SPIOLER ALERT::::**_

_**Strongly Recommended Soundtrack for the chapter – Make This Go On Forever by Snow Patrol. It's kind of a necessity to this chapter since every single bit of the lyrics fit with this.**_

"Derek!"

She yelled after him as they crossed the "bridge" that connected one part of the hospital to the other.

"Derek! Why the hell are you acting like this?" She yelled again.

Derek whipped around to face Meredith. He ran his hand over his chin quickly as he looked at her. How the hell could she not know why he was acting like this? After everything she'd put him through the day before, after not communicating even after she told him she was going to communicate. How the hell could she not know?

A small smirk grew on his face to mask the pain and anger that he was feeling as a result of her.

"I met a woman last night." He said in a light tone of voice, the annoying smirk still on his face.

Just in that moment Meredith froze. It wasn't the first time that Meredith Grey had ever frozen, but this was a completely different kind of freeze. If a bullet were to enter her right then she would literally shatter into a million pieces at Derek Shepherd's feet.

"Should I be worried?" She asked him, her voice lowering. She tried to brush off his statement; he was Derek and she was Meredith. They'd survived Satan and McVet and everything else that had been thrown at them. She died and they were still together. They practically lived together and even though they fought they still were Derek and Meredith. She'd had faith that they could get through this up until now. Now her faith began to waver.

A dark look went across his face and he looked at her, his eyes colder than they'd ever been before. Even when she'd been with Finn the darkness never reached the level it had now.

"Yeah, you should be worried." He bit out as he turned away, in a low, even voice, as if he were warning her. Which, she supposed, he was. Warning her that after losing everything in her life, she was about to lose him once again.

Derek walked away from her and pushed through the doors that led to the OR floor and she stood there, stunned.

Frozen was nothing to how she was feeling now.

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Derek pulled off his scrub cap after a successful surgery and he made his way to the nurses station to check on his charts.

"Has anyone seen Meredith?" He heard an eyebrow-less Cristina asked Izzie and George.

"No, not since this morning." Izzie said and George looked up. "You can't find Meredith? She's your maid of honor, isn't she supposed to stay with you for the whole day or something? And why are you even here?" He added another question onto his string.

"I need surgery to get me through the day." Cristina explained through a clenched jaw. "And I need Meredith now."

Derek listened to all this absentmindedly, his curiosity growing slightly. Meredith hadn't been seen since this morning?

"Dr. Shepherd," He heard his name and looked up and saw Cristina. His lips twitched with amusement.

"Dr. Yang. Or are you going to be Dr. Burke from now on?" He asked her pleasantly.

Cristina gave him a small glare which was un-effective due to her lack of eyebrows.

"I need to know where Meredith is. Have you seen her?" She asked. He sighed and shook his head. "No, I haven't, not since I went into surgery this morning."

She glanced at the board quickly and scanned it for his operation that hadn't yet been cleared from the schedule.

"That was over three hours ago!" She said in frustration. Derek felt a weight drop in his stomach as he looked at the board and he realized she was right. It had been over three hours since he'd spoken with Meredith, since he'd told her about the girl in the bar.

"No one," He cleared his throat. "No one's seen her since?" He asked.

"Have you been listening to me at all?" Cristina asked him incredulously. He looked at the board once more, trying to convince himself otherwise; she couldn't possibly be gone for three hours.

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"Stevens!" Bailey yelled. "Where the hell is Grey? She was supposed to be doing a bowl resection with me this morning!"

"I uh, don't know Dr. Bailey. No one's seen her since this morning." Izzie replied, stuttering a little in the beginning.

"Well who was the last one to see her?"

Cristina stormed into the room, a nervous, sarcastic wreck.

"That would be _Shepherd_. Because everyone knows just how _McDreamy_ he is with her. He probably told her to meet him in an on call room and he stood her up." Cristina snapped, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

Bailey glared at Cristina, moving her jaw around. "Shepherd, huh?" She looked at the door, her eyes flashing.

"What the hell has he done with my intern now?"

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Derek spun around when he felt her presence.

"Miranda," He greeted her. She responded with her trademark glare.

"Don't you _dare_ 'Miranda' me!" She said. "Now _where the hell_ is my intern?"

He swallowed. "I don't know. I haven't seen her since before my surgery this morning."

Bailey's eyes narrowed. "And what did you say to her?" She asked, placing a hand on her hip.

"_Nothing… except I might have given her the impression that we were over."_ Derek thought moodily to himself.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Bailey asked, firmer and slower.

"I didn't do anything, it's what she did to herself!" He snapped at Bailey before storming away.

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Supply closets had a way of finding Meredith Grey. Some people used them for sex, important conversations… she used them to cry like she'd never cried before.

Silent sobs wracked her body as she sat on the floor, leaning against one of the metal shelves. She couldn't breathe, she literally couldn't breathe, and she couldn't stop crying. She put her hands over her mouth several times to try to force herself to stop, but all that did was muffle the pained screams that eventually emanated from her.

"_Yeah, you should be."_

His voice rang through her head over and over again as well as the look that preceded and followed those words. She should be worried. This was worse than Addison had ever been. He'd had a history with Addison, she was his wife! He had an obligation to her, and even though it hurt, she had understood why he left her to be with Addison. He had to try.

He wouldn't be him if he didn't try.

But now he was actually considering leaving her for some woman he met in a bar. Her sobs turned to pained laughter as she realized that's what she was to him. She wasn't anything special to him, she wasn't extraordinary. No matter what her mother had told her on her way out of… wherever. If she were extraordinary she would have been enough for him, her love, _their_ love would have been enough for him.

But it wasn't.

She wasn't.

She was the girl in a bar that he picked up to screw. She hadn't saved him from drowning. She hadn't pulled him up for fresh air.

She'd always be the girl he screwed to get over being screwed.

"_You don't marry the rebound girl!"_ Izzie's voice entered her mind and she quickly slapped her hand to her mouth as her eyes squeezed shut, hot tears escaping her eyes and spilling down her cheeks.

"_When I met you, I thought I had found the person, that I was going to spend the _rest_ of my_ life_ with. I was done."_

She was foolish. You don't marry the rebound girl, and she was so obviously the rebound girl. She let herself believe that they had something, something real and true. Foolish, foolish little girl.

Her sobs continued, shoulders shaking, and she continually gasped for air that wasn't coming. She slowly fell sideways to the floor, and she curled into a fetal position, crying for everything she had lost.

Crying because she needed help to breathe and the one person that had done that was not there because he didn't want to.

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not, I can only give you everything I've got. I can't be as sorry as you think I should. But I still love you more than anyone else could._

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_**A/N: So after last night's preview… this started coming to me. I dreamt about it. I woke up this morning because of a storm and then started thinking about the situation. Couldn't go back to sleep. Got up and started writing it. It was supposed to be a one-shot. But it's spinning out into something more. Much more. I stopped here because if I went on who knows how long this thing would be. The rest is written. This is now going to be a short story. But if I get enough response or if anyone wants it to be a bit longer then I'll see what I can do. I'll definitely wrap it up before things start to get repetitive. I promise. **_

_**And by the way, if you didn't listen to Make This Go On Forever… you should. Now, I am NOT kidding people. You HAVE to listen to that song, at least during the scene where Mer is in the closet. Go. Don't have the CD? Go find it at www(dot)imeem(dot)com. Seriously, I'm not doing this to be a nuisance. I can't stress it enough!**_

_**Haha. Anyway… I hope you enjoyed this bit of an angst filled fans angsty worries about the currently angsty merder!! **_

_**Please check out and review my other stories: You Don't Get to Call Me a Whore, Stolen, He Could Never Stay Angry with Her, and Perfectly Ordinary. **_

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	2. My Whole Damn Life to Make This Right

_**Disclaimer: There are major differences between me and Shonda. I mean, I could start with the big ones… lives in L.A., owns hit TV show, etc. but I won't. I'll start with the little things. I for one, love MerDer, happy and healthy. She seems to have other ideas… that enough for you to know that I own nothing?**_

Derek's eyes closed against his will as he looked at the OR board. He couldn't believe how tired he was and it was barely after ten. The sun was shining, a rare event in Seattle, and here he was, falling asleep on his feet after having his fourth cup of coffee. Maybe that Bachelor party hadn't been such a good idea after all.

"_But is that because you're tired or because you met a girl?"_

He shook the thought off and forced his eyes open again. Cristina was rushing through the hall, curlers in her hair, a panicked look in her eye. He frowned as he saw this; shouldn't Meredith be calming her down? He checked his watch saw it was now nearly five hours since he'd seen her. His frown deepened and he looked up again.

Where the hell was she? 

He didn't even register when he began to walk through the hall, glancing this way and that, looking for a familiar flash of blonde hair accompanied by light blue scrubs, but he did. His feet were moving and he couldn't stop them, wouldn't stop them, even if he wanted to. Because now he was worried. He wouldn't admit it when he found her, but he was worried about her. She disappeared on her best friend's wedding day and a person didn't just do that.

He spotted one of her friends. "O'Malley!" He called out and George turned around.

"Dr. Shepherd?" He addressed him, closing the chart he had in his hands. "I was just going to check on the patient I was assigned last week--"

"I'm not…" Derek swallowed and tried to regain control of his tongue which had flipped out of control, nearly betraying his panic. "I'm not asking about her. Have you seen Meredith?" He asked quietly, looking directly at George, using all of his sense to pick up on any lie that may be told.

"Uh, no one's seen her since this morning." George replied, dropping the professional tone once he realized this was a personal conversation. "Cristina's a nervous wreck, Alex and Izzie are in their own little world because of it and I'm…." He paused. " After what happened to her yesterday--"

"What happened to her yesterday?" Derek cut him off. He never had found out and he had desperately wanted Meredith to tell him. That had changed to cold indifference when he saw what could only be her re-taking the intern's exam. After Thatcher slapped her, he had completely forgotten about the race for Chief; it was, of course, still on his mind, but it didn't matter at all. Nothing mattered except holding her in his arms, pressing his hand to the offended cheek, trying to heal the damage that had been done.

But she hadn't wanted that. She'd pushed him away and she continued to push him away the day before. In his mind, that was a signal to stop caring. If she wanted to tell him, fine. But he wasn't going to ask for any explanations.

Until now. She'd gone missing and he was pretty sure he was the last person who had seen her.

George looked around. "She nearly failed her intern's exam. She just… froze. She didn't write anything on the test, I was next to her. She just… sat there, dropping her pencil." He said. Derek nodded, acknowledging the bits he knew already and pushing aside the new information.

"Not to mention before that she got shouted down by her father." George said. Derek tensed, his eyes darting quickly across George's face.

"He what?"

"Thatcher came in, drunk off his ass right as Mer was going to leave for the funeral. Basically he told her it was her fault that his wife died, that she killed all he had and that he didn't want her anywhere near his family or the funeral." George said.

Pain flashed through Derek's eyes but he quickly hid it.

"Thanks… thanks…." He murmured, holding his hand up in a brief wave before he turned and began to walk again, faster this time, his head spinning more urgently as he looked for her.

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"Preston!" Derek said urgently, grabbing his friend's arm as he caught up with him, just as Burke was about to enter the scrub room.

"Ah, Derek." He said in a pleasant voice. "Listen, do you have the rings? I wanted to check--"

"Is Meredith scrubbing in with you?" Derek cut him off and Burke looked at him, confused.

"No, I actually haven't seen her since--"

"This morning." Derek breathed, combing his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"Could you… could you keep an eye out for her? I just…." He struggled with himself for a few moments. Anger still ran through him when he thought of the day but the worried feeling he'd had before was growing more and more intense, his stomach twisting.

"I need… tell me if you see her. Tell me that she's ok." He said in a quiet tone.

Burke studied him for a moment, his brow creasing. "Derek, what did you do?" He asked in a deadly serious tone.

He wanted to answer him. He was about to be best man at his wedding, he should be able to confide in him about what had happened. He'd seen the girl approach him in the bar last night, and Derek had seen the look he shot at him.

"Just tell me if you see her." He said, turning away.

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Derek sat at one of the computers by the nurse's station, not concentrating on the screen. His head was bowed, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose a little.

Seven hours. It was now just a little after twelve and Meredith was still nowhere to be seen. How the hell could this happen? She was there… that morning he'd walked through those doors and she'd greeted him as if nothing was wrong. Except something was wrong, he'd been open to communication the day before and that's when she chose, once again, to stop. And he'd met a woman at Joe's, one who wanted to buy him a drink.

But he'd denied it. He'd denied it for a reason, and the reason was the he was still with Meredith. He couldn't cheat on her, no matter how much he… disliked their situation. He'd cheated on Addison, but no matter how you looked at it, the circumstances were substantially different.

All of a sudden his chair was spun around and he was looking into the wide, panicked, anger filled eyes of Cristina Yang.

"Listen Shepherd, and you listen good." She began with a slight snarl. "Whatever you did to my friend, you are going to suffer. She was fine at the Bachelorette party last night and she was even fine this morning. So whatever you said, or did, or didn't say or didn't do, when I find out, you will pay. She is my _person,_ damn it! And I _will_ be helping her drag your corpse across all of Seattle if I have to!" She yelled in his face. "I need her to help me fix my eyebrows that _Momma_ took! But she's not here because _you_ are a _McBastard_!" She finished before pushing away and causing his chair to spin twice again.

Derek grabbed at the desk to stop his progress and he sat there for a moment, stunned. If Cristina was brutal in general, she was _nothing_ compared to the Cristina he had just met.

And then he started to think. With a sigh he realized she was right. If he hadn't said what he'd said to Meredith, she would be coloring in new eyebrows for Cristina, whatever it was that women did when that kind of thing happened. Not hanging around God knows where doing who knows what. He also knew better than to take that threat about dragging his corpse around Seattle less than serious.

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She was moving in slow motion. Except she wasn't, because she'd moved in slow motion before and this… it was worse. Because, as Izzie had said, when you were moving in slow motion, you were moving so slow while everyone else was moving so fast. This time she was moving in slow motion and so was everything else. Each second that she lay on the floor seemed to drag on forever. Each tear that spilled from her eye fell slowly, almost gracefully as it fell from her lash, to her cheek, and then down the side of her face, finally landing with what would be a quiet thud to the floor.

She was moving in slow motion.

She still couldn't breathe. Her gasps game short and fast, and the more she tried to draw them out to calm herself down, the shorter and quicker they became. On some subconscious level of her mind she knew this wasn't good. She knew she should try to reach for the paper bags that lay only a few shelves above her… but she couldn't. Every time she thought about that she remembered the time when Derek had found her in the closet, when he'd given a bag to her, telling her to breathe… he'd been there to help her breathe. She hadn't asked him to help her, she hadn't even asked him to do all the work. But he'd been there, not because he had an obligation as a boyfriend to her, but because he wanted to. He wanted to help her breathe

When had that stopped? Did he only ever really want her because… he couldn't have her? Was she just something he desired, the rebound girl that he desired, the one he screwed to get out all of his frustrations before finally meeting his real soul mate?

Her eyes fluttered shut and the tears continued to pour out, her one hand pressing into the floor, desperate to stop now.

So desperate she didn't notice when the door opened.

_All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight, is it could take my whole damn life to make this right. The splintered mass I'm holding on won't save me long, because I know fine well that what I did was wrong. _

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_**Wow you guys… I'm blown away by the response for last chapter. I'm definitely going to respond to each and every one of your reviews at some point this weekend… as well as write an update for Stolen possibly Whore, get back to my reviews on them and do countless other things, lol. **_

_**And kudos to you guys who listened to the song during last chapter!! I'm so glad you agree! Because… well, it really does fit. I'm kind of pleased with myself. I didn't get the idea until the crying scene in last chapter. And up until that point I didn't have a title for this fic. So yeah… I love MTGOF. I love Snow Patrol, who am I kidding. **_

_**And I actually have a teensy bit of hope for the finale… from the spoiler pics… and the supposed spoiler about a speech Mer makes… hope. I need hope right now. **_

_**So in case you haven't noticed, the story's not over yet… I'm THINKING at least six chapters maybe? We'll see what happens. I'm not promising six and I'm not saying it'll only be six… but six is my goal. **_

_**By the way, I do think that some of this has a SMALL possibility of happening. Very small, however I don't think that Mer will wind up in the closet… but this is what came to me at six thirty in the morning, so… yeah. **_

_**Thanks again for you AMAZING response!!! Keep it up and I might just update again say… tomorrow? Twice possibly like today? And I don't know… it's late, but who knows what could happen… possible number three? Maybe. **_

_**Like I said, keep it up, you never know what'll happen. **_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	3. We Have Got Through So Much Worse

_**Disclaimer: If I claimed to be Shonda Rhimes, I'd be arrested for fraud. So therefore, I don't say that I'm Shonda Rhimes. I just WISH IT LIKE CRAZY SO I COULD MEET THE CAST AND MAKE MILLIONS! **_

_**That's all.**_

Derek Shepherd had been broken, shattered, and crushed beyond belief many times in his life. Of course there had been the small things when he was little; not getting to try a new candy bar, not getting the bike he wanted for his birthday while his best friend got it and flaunted it in his face, and other childish things like that.

Then his father died when he was young. That had been unreal. He was his father, he was always there for him, and for Mark when he had finally come along. And then he wasn't. He just… _died_. He'd spent at least two years as an empty shell after that, throwing himself into whatever homework he had, becoming a model student because of it, and he hadn't gotten out of that "rut" as Mark called it until he had his first girlfriend.

After that there had been minor disappointments. Crushes who "didn't like him back", friends who he fought with, girlfriends he broke up with, and almost none of them ever had any lasting affect on him. Most of these came along with not getting into the school he wanted, followed by a horrible residency and an even worse fellowship, all of which he got through.

Then he became Chief of Neurosurgery and everything seemed to fall into place. He married the girl he'd known since college, they'd been blissfully in love for the first eight years of their marriage or so… and then things started to slip.

He had goals and so did Addison, goals that couldn't be crushed. So he put his marriage aside and wound up getting more hurt then he could ever imagine; the idea of his now ex-best friend and his now ex-wife still left a foul taste in his mouth.

The rest was history and it was just one big crushing experience after the other; Addison showing up, having to choose between Addison and Meredith, the blond girl with tiny ineffectual fists whose hair smelled like lavender. Choosing Addison when he was completely head over heels in love with Meredith. Watching her go around with countless men was pure torture; she was his and no one else's!

And then things had gotten better. She'd stopped sleeping with random men and they had become friends. He could be with her and Addison at the same time, even if their individual roles in his life should have been completely opposite from the ones they held.

And Finn… that had broke him. To see her coming down the steps, dressed in another man's shirt, her hair damp… it hurt him more than anything he'd ever felt before. That whole ordeal had been unlike any other to him. When she'd chosen to date both of them instead of picking him outright, he'd been stung but at the same time proud of her. Besides, as a surgeon he was very competitive, and he always enjoyed a good competition, especially one he was certain to win.

Yes, Derek Shepherd had been through many heartbreaking events in his life, many in the last month. But nothing had ever broken him more, then the sight of Meredith Grey, struggling to breathe on a supply closet floor.

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"Mer…" He breathed. She was lying on the floor, gasping for breath, her fingers curling into the cold tile every now and then as she struggled to stop. Her eyes were closed and he even in the darkness he could make out the tears that streamed from them.

"Mer," He said with more urgency in his voice as he dropped to his knees near her, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. He felt a sting as she withdrew under his touch but he pushed it aside as he reached for one of the paper bags.

"Mer, breathe, breathe into this." He said, opening the bag and putting it near her mouth. All that came from her were a few whimpers as she tried to push the bag away.

"Mer, please." He said, desperation creeping into his voice. "I need you to breathe…" His heart clenched as he thought back to the day he'd found her in the water. "I need you to breathe." He repeated quietly.

Her shoulders continued to shake and she swallowed. "I… I… I can't," She managed to choke out. "I can't, I can't… I can't breathe!" She cried through her tears. "I can't, I need… I need… Der, I can't breathe!" She gasped, her breaths quickening even further.

"Yes, yes, you can." He said quickly, slipping his arm beneath her body and pulling her up, cradling her against his side. "You can do this." He said, trying once again to place the bag over her mouth. She took a few breaths from it before coughing.

"Can't…" She whispered through her heavy breathing, shaking her head weakly.

Derek held her, worry creasing his brow. He could have sworn he felt tears sting at his eyes but he blinked them away.

"Can't breathe… can't breathe." She kept whispering over and over again and he could near the fear in her voice.

"Mer, please let me help you." He said, trying for a third time to give her the bag.

"No… I… no." She gasped, coughing again. "You don't… and I…" She coughed, desperately trying to breathe.

"Mer, come here, breathe for me." He said, holding her close. He shushed her, murmuring soothing things in her ear, breathing in the scent of her hair as he did so. He thought he might have felt her calm down a little, but for all he knew it could have been wishful thinking.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead before carefully scooping her crying form into his arms and standing up. He knew that he was about to start a world of hospital gossip that they didn't need, that she didn't need, but he needed to get her out of there.

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"Dr. Shepherd, I—Meredith?" He heard Izzie's voice as he made his way down the hall with a crying Meredith in his arms.

"Dr. Shepherd what happened to her?" He heard footsteps hurry after him and before he knew it Izzie was by his side as he walked quickly down the hall, looking for a room to put Meredith in.

"I found her crying on the floor in a closet. She's gotten a little better but not much." He explained in a clipped tone, before he spotted an empty room and swerved into it.

Izzie followed him in as he placed Meredith down on the bed. She went around to the opposite side and began to speak to her.

"Mer? Mer, listen to me it's Izzie." She began. "Ok, you have to breathe. You have to breathe for us, ok?" She said, placing her hands on both sides of her face. "You can do this." She said, reaching for the oxygen mask. Meredith shook her head weakly, her eyes cracking open.

"Can't breathe… I need… but he won't…" She gasped as Izzie pressed the oxygen mask against her face gently. Her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing slowed to a semi-manageable rate and Izzie sighed with relief.

Derek's eyes closed and he placed his hand on her forehead, brushing her hair off as his thumb traced the outline of it. Izzie watched him carefully.

"She's asleep for now. We should probably leave her alone. And we should tell the rest that you found her." She said. Derek nodded but didn't move from his spot, marveling at the mess he had created with her.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie's voice broke through his thoughts again, a little harder this time. His eyes snapped up to meet hers and he faltered a bit under the intensity that was there.

"We should go." She repeated. He sighed and looked at Meredith before nodding and taking his hand away. They left the room and Izzie told a passing nurse to page Cristina, Alex and George, before pushing Derek into a conference room.

"Dr. Stevens--"

"Shut up." She said. "Just…" She closed her eyes and a tense smile came on her face as she tried to control herself. "Just shut up." Her eyes opened.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked, her voice low and even with a hint of incredulity in it. "I mean… God, what the hell is wrong with you?" She asked her voice rising. He opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out.

"You _love her_. You… you leave your _wife_ for her. You _fight_ for her, you're her knight in shining armor--"

"Whatever." He interrupted quietly.

"No, not whatever." Izzie continued, misunderstanding the meaning of his interruption. "God. Do you have any idea of how much pain she was in when you left her? She was… you were supposed to be there for her after you came back! We all knew it was too good to be true, but she was hopeful! Meredith Grey was hopeful, do you have any idea how rare that is? After… after all the crap she's been through, after all the crap we've been through," Tears welled in her eyes but didn't spill and her lips trembled slightly.

"She believed in you, but you…" She paused her tirade and she looked at him. "You are _unbelievable_!" She yelled at him. "And after the day she had yesterday… you… you, you…" Izzie struggled with her words and Derek stood, weak before her. "You've failed her. She needed you to be there for her, and you failed her." Izzie said, her voice breaking.

She walked towards him and forced him to look at her. "You better figure out what you're doing." She said quietly. "Because if you don't… God," She scoffed. "If you don't you better pray for your life. Because I will _physically. Kick. Your ass._" She said. "And Cristina will drag your corpse across all of Seattle. And Alex will box you with bare knuckles. And George… George has a good hook." She said, in a death whisper, her voice wobbling.

Derek stared at the floor and he heard her walk away, the door slamming shut behind her.

Numbly, he sank into a chair, running his fingers through his hair.

Izzie was right. He'd failed her in her time of need, in one of her many times of need….

But the nagging anger he'd been feeling since the day before was still in him. He had his reasons damn it. She didn't tell him. She didn't tell him what was happening, she ignored him and he had to count on her friends to keep her involved in his life.

_We have got through so much worse than this before, what's so different this time that you can't ignore? You say it is much more than just my last mistake. And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes._

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_**That was chapter three! And I've gotta say I'm completely stunned at the turnout I've had for this story so far. Completely stunned. Jaw droppingly stunned. Siezure worthy stunned. You get my point. **_

_**So Derek finds her here. He tries to get her to breathe. And she tries to tell him why she can't. But she can't because… well, she can't. Proper breathing is necessary for speaking usually. And at the rate she was breathing (or wasn't rather) it was basically impossible to speak. **_

_**And Izzie yelled at Derek. The minute I started writing that second third part, I knew it had to be Izzie who followed him. Because it's Izzie's turn. And she just starts thinking. Izzie is the most emotional of the group (besides maybe Mer) and so she gets going. She starts thinking and she just… she gets pissed at Derek. It really hits her that Derek did something to her to make her like that. Because of COURSE it had to be Derek's fault, I mean even Burke knew it. **_

_**I think that's basically all the explanation on this chapter. There's not really much TO explain. Questions? Just ask. **_

**_Side note... the ending was a bit hard to write. I rewrote it a million times, because each time Derek turned out to be McDreamy. And while I want him to be McDreamy... he's just not right now. So he came out assier than usual because otherwise he would have been McDreamy. I'll fix it soon though. I think..._**

_**Once again… wow. Just wow. You guys who review, you're awesome. Totally awesome. **_

_**Quick replies here. **_

_**Dumbbrunette273, this is definitely a MerDer story. I don't plan on breaking them up. Think of how Mer has been acting these last three chapters as my reaction to the situation. So yeah… it's bad eough crap is happening to them in the show, there's no way I would do it to them in fic world (for long) lol. **_

_**Lizzie9, I love you two!! Seriously, you guys are amazing and I was thrilled when I saw your review in my inbox. Call me a freak, lol. I'm completely in love with your "Sound" series and pretty much everything else of Grey's that you've written. Glad you like the story!**_

_**McMaryShepherd, I'll tell you what I know about the spoiler speech when I respond to the review:D**_

_**Xiao chan. Ha, be jealous. Hate me cause I'm beautiful. LOL, kidding. I'm flattered that you like it this much. I'll talk more when I respond to the reviews. Cause you know how much I ramble, lol.**_

_**I'll talk to ALL of you when I respond to the reviews! **_

_**Thank you SO much for reading and please review! **_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	4. And I Don't Know Where to Look

_**Disclaimer: So if I were Shonda, this would have come to you when it was schedule to be posted. But it didn't, and I'm sorry, and I'm going to do something Shonda never does… give you more then you were scheduled to get… after you review. :D**_

"Dr. Shepherd?" A nurse roused him quietly. At some point he had fallen asleep in his chair. "Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Grey… she's asking for you." She informed him quietly once he'd managed to open his eyes. He blinked a few times before nodding and slowly getting up. He left the room and made his way down the hall, pausing at her door.

"_Don't um… don't hurt her again."_ Addison's voice rang through his head. He sighed before opening the door.

Meredith was sitting up in bed, looking out the window as bright sunshine filled her room. She turned when she heard him enter the room and instead of lighting up as she usually did when he entered the room, she darkened.

"Hey," He said quietly. She didn't say anything back, but she looked down at her scrubs. One of her fingers began to trace a pattern on her thigh and after what seemed like ages she began to speak.

"I can't breathe." She said softly. "I mean… I can, I just…" She sniffled and he realized she was on the verge of crying again. In three quick steps he was across the room to her bed, resting one hand on her shoulder while the other one strayed to her cheek. She turned her face as if she had been burned but he kept his one hand on her shoulder.

"I can't… I'm… me." She said quietly, one tear rolling down her cheek. Her lips trembled as she fought to keep her composure, composure that was so quickly escaping her. "I'm…" Her face began to crumple and her shoulders started to shake slightly. Quick as lightening he was in bed with her, holding her to his chest, rubbing her back and kissing her head as she cried against him, one hand fisted in his scrubs.

"I can't… I'm…"

"Sssh, Mer. Don't talk, just breathe. Breathe for me." He murmured, his lips pressed to her head. He thought that this would lessen her crying but instead the tears seemed to increase.

"It's ok… it's ok, I'm here." He tried. Her grip on him tightened but her sobs didn't increase, so he took at that as a good sign. All that mattered was that she could breathe.

"It's ok Mer, go back to sleep." He said quietly, stroking her back, hair, anything he could reach. She sniffled and cried out softly for a moment before he felt her still against him. He breathed out in relief and shifted on the bed, careful not to disturb her. He lay there, not thinking, not reacting, just… holding her. He hadn't held her in so long, not even after they'd had sex at the trailer. He missed holding her.

He was so absorbed with his task that he didn't even notice a frazzled Cristina standing in the doorway.

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Cristina stared at the man that held her best friend, her person, the man who was supposed to be best man to her fiancé later. He held her and comforted her and stemmed her tears, and she fell asleep, trusting him. _Trusting_ him. Whatever he'd done that day had had her struggling to breathe on a closet floor, at least that's what Izzie had said. And now she was falling asleep on him, holding onto him for dear life.

"You're an ass you know that?" Her voice wobbled slightly as she finally spoke. Derek tore his gaze from Meredith and his eyes landed on a distraught Cristina.

"Excuse me?" He asked in a quiet, calm voice, trying his best not to wake Meredith.

"How can you keep doing this to her? She asked. "You… she trusted you! She left the freaky McVet for you. She wasn't getting any with him but at least she wasn't getting hurt with. All the time, it's about _you_. _Your_ nobility, _your_ pain, _your this, your that, your crap_!" She spat. "She's had so many chances at happiness in these past few months, but somehow she keeps coming back to you! Because you do something. You have this sick power over her that you use to make her crawl back to you when you want her. You use it and you abuse it, you're as bad as a junkie." She hissed.

"You need to think about whatever it is you're doing with her. Because--"

"I know." He interrupted her, his voice deathly quiet. "I know I need to figure this out." He looked down at the woman sleeping peacefully in his arms.

"I know. Do you think I like… do you think I enjoy seeing her struggle to breathe? I had enough of that back when…" He swallowed. "I had enough of that back when she was…" He let his sentence hang in the air; there was no need for it to be finished. "No… no, that was worse. She wasn't even…" He struggled to continue. "She wasn't even alive then." He whispered, a painful ache in his heart. "So when I saw her on the floor like that… she's…" He paused.

"She didn't fight. She knows how to swim. Did you know that she knows how to swim?" He asks Cristina in a light tone of voice as if he's rediscovering the realization he's already made multiple times. "She didn't swim and I just…."

He looked down at her again. He felt her chest rise and fall against his and he saw her lashes flutter occasionally. He heard a small snore escape her and he smiled a little.

He'd almost lost that. He lost her breathing, and her snoring and her lavender hair. He'd lose her smile and her laugh and her kisses and caresses. He'd actually lost her when she'd drowned.

He thought back to when he'd had the conversations with Richard about him being Chief, and he realized that he'd only considered giving her up… giving them up, because at least then he'd know that she was never truly gone. She'd still laugh and smile and snore and breathe, it just wouldn't be his to listen to or see.

There was a pause before Cristina finally spoke again. "Like I said. Figure it out."

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She'd moved. He'd fallen asleep with her in his arms and when he woke up she was gone. He tried to ignore the slight sting he felt and tried to be reasonable. The day was almost over and he was supposed to be at the church, helping however he was supposed to.

He'd made his way to his office, subconsciously scanning the hallway for her for what seemed like the millionth time that day. He opened his door before going in and walking over to the suit bag that held his tux. He pulled his scrubs off before donning the pants and shirt, deciding to save the jacket for later as well as the bow tie. He'd always hated the damned things anyway and he never tied them himself, he always had Addie do them when they were married.

The drive to the church was fairly short and he thought he managed to catch a glimpse of a Cristina dressed in white going in the backdoor. He smiled to himself, and he was hopeful that her eyebrows had finally been fixed.

He walked around the back of the church and he went inside, looking around and scanning the room for Burke, who he saw pacing around the room with a worn piece of paper in his hands, muttering under his breath.

"Burke!" He called with a smile on his face. Burke stopped in his tracks and he looked up at him. No smile was returned as he was all nerves.

"Shepherd! What took you so long, I need those rings!" He said, stepping over to meet him. "You don't have a coat. Why don't you have a coat? I can't get married when my best man isn't wearing the coat on his tux!" Burke said quickly.

"Alright, alright, calm down." Derek said holding up a hand before lifting his other one. "The coat's right here, I have the rings, they haven't been lost," he said, continuing before Burke could interrupt him. "And everything is going to be fine." He said before smiling. "Saw Cristina coming in. She looked beautiful." He said. For the first time since he'd walked into the church, Burke smiled. "Cristina's a beautiful person… I wouldn't expect anything less," he said.

Derek smiled at him. "Alright… I need to go find someone. I'll be back soon though." He said, tugging his tux coat on. He slapped Burke on the shoulder before turning around and beginning to explore the church.

"Addison!" he shouted and she turned around. "Derek! You look great." She said with a smile. "Thanks, so do you," he complimented her back. "Do you know where Meredith is? She's probably with Cristina," he said. "Um…" Addison paused, running over a mental map of the church in her mind. "I think they're through that door." She pointed to one towards the back of the room. He looked at it and nodded his thanks to her.

"Derek, do you need me to tie that for you?" She asked before he left, motioning to the bow tie in his hands. He looked down at it for a moment and he strongly considered letting her; he didn't even know if Meredith could tie one.

"That's ok Addie. I'll be fine," he said with a small smile on his face. "Thanks though." He waved at her before taking off to the door that she had pointed to. He threw the door open and he looked almost franticly around the room.

And then, he saw her.

_And I don't know where to look. My words just break and melt. Please just save me from this darkness! Please just save me from this darkness!_

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_**So yeah... I didn't get the updates in yesterday. But I didn't bank on getting this REALLY annoying assignment for my english class... pissed me off a lot. It was really just something pointless to make us do "work". Ok, enough venting. There's update one of... three or four. Possibly three or four. Because this story might be winding down. tear So if it's not repetitive, I could give you three or four. But six chapters is definitely still on. And I know you guys noticed this was shorter than the others... well, that's because I wanted to leave a teensy, weensy cliff. Not much of one, really not one at all. Because I bet you all (think) you know who he sees. And now I'm done rambling. I think. Questions? Just ask. Thanks so much for the support!!**_

_**And about those reviews I have to respond to… I will. Seriously. But I've discovered they take time from writing… and I know certain people ::cough:: Xiao ::cough:: would rather have me write then read and respond to reviews…. Tee-hee**_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	5. Reason to Make This Last

_**Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. So not me. Look at my version of the finale, and then look at that… that… that THING that we received last night. So not my finale. **_

_**A/N: For those of you who were wondering, the first lines of Mer's speech in this chapter were supposed to be the spoiler speech from last night… that didn't happen now did it? **_

Meredith.

She was breathtaking. He'd listened to the Chief talking to Burke the day before, about how you'd doubt and be nervous before the wedding, but once your bride was walking down that aisle, everything else would just… cease to exist. And you would know if it was right or not.

In that moment, Derek Shepherd knew that Meredith Grey was right. It was something he'd known many times before; the moment he'd seen her in the bar, when he'd woke up on her floor, when he'd seen her at the hospital, every time she yelled at him, when they were walking Doc as "friends", when they were dancing at the prom… every time they had sex… made love he supposed it was… every time, he knew.

But there was something different about this time. Maybe it was because she was talking to Cristina as she had never seen her talk before. She was trying to be calm and supportive, but it was clearly wearing thin on her nerves. Her dress… it clung in just the right places and not too much skin was showing. It was gorgeous on her and it enhanced the color of her hair.

Without his knowing a small smile grew on his face as he watched her. Suddenly she turned in his direction and he swore she could feel her own breath hitch in her throat. They gazed at each other for a moment and she seemed to drift away from a rambling Cristina who was left with Izzie to calm her.

Before they knew it she was standing in front of him. They continued to look at each other, and he tried to drink in as much as he could.

How was it that this girl who had been crying herself to death on a closet floor mere hours ago, could look so beautiful now?

And how the hell could he keep hurting this beautiful girl?

He cleared his throat and held up the hand that held the tie in it. "I need…" he trailed off and she nodded. She took the tie from him, their fingers brushing together slightly and he stepped closer to her. She looped her arms around his neck, bringing the tie around in the front and she concentrated on it, not looking up to meet the intense look he was giving her, so intense she could feel it burning into her.

She tied the knot and moved to take her hands away but he placed one of his hands over hers to keep them from moving before his other hand joined them. He slid one hand down her bare arm, feeling the goose bumps sprout up beneath his tough and he slid his hand under her chin, tipping it up slightly to meet his eyes. Still holding her hands, he brought them down between them, his thumb moving to stroke her jaw line. The look she had on her face was one that said she was melting but confused at the same time and he smiled softly as he saw it.

He opened his mouth to say something before Cristina started yelling behind them. His eyes shot up and before he knew it, Meredith's hands were ripped from his grasp and her face was gone from beneath his hand.

With a sigh, he watched and she franticly tried to calm Cristina. He turned and left the room, heading down the aisle to meet Burke who was sitting in one of the front pews, just near the altar.

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"Hey." He said, sitting next to him. Burke nodded to show that he knew he was there.

"You ok?" Derek asked quietly. Burke sat there, rubbing his hands, a nervous habit he'd developed from the time he had his tremor.

"How did you know… if you really feel something is falling into place when she walks down that aisle… how come you don't know if it's going to end in divorce?" He questioned quietly.

Derek slumped in his seat and sighed. "You don't… because in that moment, you don't believe in divorce. You know that you love her, and you just… know. It feels right, and in that moment nothing else matters."

Derek looked at his friend. "You don't know because it doesn't matter. You have to make the most of whatever time you have, no matter how it will end, or how long it will last."

He paused for a moment. "Because a split second…." He trailed off, thinking of the millions of split seconds he'd had in his life, and the billions he'd shared with Meredith. "A split second can change your life…." He said.

He thought of Addison and Mark; that had been the turning point. He supposed he should be thankful to them in a way, if that hadn't happened he wouldn't have met Meredith… but at the same time, if that hadn't happened, and he hadn't met Meredith, he wouldn't have fallen in love with her. He wouldn't have hurt her as often or as badly as he did, he wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with her it made his world spin. He wouldn't have wished it was him who was in the water, him who was on the table, him who was dead instead of her. He'd give up all the patient's lives he'd ever saved or would be destined to save if it would only save her.

"What if in this second," Burke began. "I'm thinking that this is a mistake." He said.

Derek looked at him.

"You won't know that until a split second before she walks down that aisle."

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Things were running late. The wedding was supposed to have started five minutes ago. Burke and Derek stood at the head of the altar, occasionally adjusting their ties, and glancing over at the guests.

"It's a mistake she's decided it's a mistake." Burke mumbled behind Derek. Derek looked at him. "She'll be here. She's Cristina, she doesn't run from a fight." He said and Burke snorted.

"If this wedding has been anything to her it's been one big fight." He acknowledged, his nerves calming slightly.

Derek chuckled lightly and turned back to the crowd, watching the door. The seconds, and minutes dripped on… tick… tock… tick… tock.

Finally the doors opened and his eyes widened, alert.

Meredith came through the door, followed by Izzie and Callie.

But no Cristina.

Callie and Izzie stayed toward the back of the church while Meredith continued to walk down the aisle. She stepped up onto the small platform before taking a deep breath and turning to face the crowd.

Her eyes scanned them and she cleared her throat before opening her mouth to speak.

"As doctors, we are great at finding problems with other people, and healing them. We are not so great at healing ourselves." She began in a slightly nervous voice. "We look to other people to heal us… our family, our friends… the love of our life," Derek's eyes flickered across her figure for a moment, but she didn't turn to face him.

"We have faith in these people to fix us. To pick up the pieces when we've detonated a bomb that's been inside of us for… ever," She swallowed, taking a deep breath.

"But sometimes… the person that we thought could fix us could only undo part of the damage. Sometimes… even when you love someone… even when they love you, the damage can't possibly be undone."

She said.

"And when that happens we run. We can try to stay and fight but some of us… some of us will just leave the pieces and run," Meredith looked at Burke, a sorry expression coming on her face.

"I'm so sorry." She said quietly, and with those three words, Burke knew he was not getting married that day.

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Cristina stood just outside the door. She couldn't do it. She couldn't go through with this, it wasn't her, she didn't do marriage, she wasn't the marrying type. She thought she could change, but she couldn't. She hadn't run, not yet. She needed to hear Meredith make her announcement; she needed it to be over, _really over_.

And then she'd listened to Meredith talk. That really was a beautiful speech. Whining a lot certainly did give you the gift of gab or whatever it was called.

But it wasn't true. Burke had fixed her. After she lost their baby, he'd fixed her. He was the only one who she would allow to hold her, and he'd been there. When Meredith was as good as dead, he'd found her at the bar and he'd brought her back.

He was the one constant in her life. He fixed her, he made her whole. They had to compromise, they had to work, and it sucked sometimes, but it was worth it because she loved him.

She listened as Meredith's speech seemed to trail off, and then she knew that she had finally told Burke it was over.

But it wasn't. Not today.

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"I'm so… so sorry." Meredith whispered, her head turning towards Derek slightly. His heart clenched for the millionth time that day when suddenly there was a loud noise towards the back of the church and Cristina appeared, walking down the aisle at a quick pace, her dress rustling behind her.

She walked up to a slightly stunned Burke and she looked at him. Just looked, not talking, not smiling, not laughing… and then….

"Let's do this." She said, hooking her arm through his and turning to face the judge, the one part of the ceremony that Burke had allowed Cristina to keep.

Meredith stood watching them, her mouth open and she mouthed wordlessly, trying to make sense of the situation. She felt a gentle tug at her arm and an arm went around her waist, her body pressed against someone else's. Derek led her down the side of the platform, but he didn't let go of her. Instead he held her in his arms as the two of them watched their friends pledge their life and love to one another.

Derek stroked her arms gently, pressing small kisses to the back of her head, and she let him do this for several reasons. She didn't want to make a scene by pushing the best man into the nearest flower pot, and she did need this… she needed to be held by him, to forget everything that had been said recently, to just… forget.

He cradled her against his chest, not even letting go when Burke and Cristina shared their first kiss as man and wife, not even when the whole church applauded and whistled, not even when they ran down the aisle and out of the church, not even when the guests followed. They stayed there for awhile, continuing the routine of holding and kissing.

"We should go." She said in a raspy voice. "We should go…" She repeated, making to pull away from his arms. He held her fast to his side though, and he walked with her down the aisle. He didn't want to let go. Not now, not yet.

He was going to let go soon enough.

_The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could_

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_**So that finale last night… totally… um… well, yeah. I'm not talking about it. Because I knew that was Meredith's sister before they said anything. Spoilers and rumors and connecting dots and whatnot. And I am now going to make a "Let's Kill Derek Shepherd Club" AND a "Let's Kill Meredith Grey Club" AND a "Let's Kill Lexie Grey Club"**_

_**And I was looking at screen caps from last week's episode… Lexie was so totally checking out Derek's ass, stupid McBarwhore. Stupid Thatcher and his "I love McDreamy" genes. Stupid all of them. Whatever. This is why fanfiction was invented. **_

_**So there's a chapter. Next one… possibly the last one, but we'll see. I'm so honestly stunned and humbled by the turnout this has received that I'll probably write a few more short stories about angsty moments in MerDer history… this new moment though… it might be too soon. But I do have some plots spinning in my head that are just DYING to be written… so I might come up with something. **_

_**Um… oh yeah!! I'm SO sorry for the wait on this!! Tuesday was a bad day, Wednesday my aunt and uncle came into town for the first time in over a year, and then Thursday I was panicking about this oral report I had to give for German class (which btw, got cancelled because the teacher decided it was a waste of time to begin with…) and then the finale happened…. So I'm SUPER sorry for the wait. I should be getting another update in though, possibly tonight because Friday's are usually my bets writing days. **_

_**Thanks SO much for reading and please review! **_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_

_**P.S. SHE'S THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND HE CAN'T WALK AWAY!!!!**_

_**So yeah, that can't walk away part is total crap, but the love of his life part is uber exciting, lol.**_


	6. The Last Word in the Final Sentence

_**Disclaimer: Well, really. I'm not trying to burn anything to the ground… so GA is CLEARLY not mine. **_

**_Sorry about the delay... I had to put my cat down on Monday, and I wanted to have two chapters for you guys here at FF... and I didn't really feel like writing after that. Anyway, on with the story! Chapter seven will be up after you review (yes, it is completed... finished. Done. Bye bye. LOL)_**

It was a lovely reception. The marriage-that-nearly-wasn't was now forgotten, and everyone was happy. They had forgotten.

Izzie and George had forgotten about their troubles and they were now talking and laughing freely. Callie forgot her suspicions, just for the moment, and she watched them, occasionally chiming in, having fun, and enjoying the fact that George had his arm draped comfortably around her shoulder.

Alex forgot that Ava… Rebecca… no, Ava. She would always be Ava to him… he forgot that Ava had been discharged and that she was going home to be with her husband and their daughter.

The bride and groom's families forgot that everything had almost been a waste as they watched the two people, who had forgotten that they'd nearly not been man and wife, dance on the dance floor, laughing and smiling, talking and kissing.

The only people who did not forget were Derek and Meredith. Meredith was trying, she was desperately trying to forget what had happened. And it had worked for awhile. Standing with Derek in a corner, his arms wrapped protectively around her, was almost enough to make her forget. But it wasn't.

Derek couldn't forget. He couldn't forget her drowning, her blue, lifeless body, the fact that she hadn't swam. He couldn't forget how she made him lose focus, how he'd hurt her, how she'd hurt him, and then how he'd hurt her yet again. He couldn't forget the sight of her crying on a floor, struggling for air, he couldn't forget… he just couldn't.

"Dance with me, Meredith." He murmured the command softly into her hair. She turned her head slightly. "I thought you didn't dance in public." She whispered.

"For you I make exceptions." He said, a small smile gracing his face.

She rested her hands on top of his that were wrapped around her waist, gently unclasping them and locking her fingers with his. He took her silent answer and led her to the floor, turning her to face him and holding her close.

They swayed gently for a few moments, enjoying the moment before finally he spoke, breaking the moment.

"We need to talk," he began. "We do," she agreed, but before she could continue, he beat her to it. "You're the love of my life…" he said and she stiffened slightly. She loved it, what she was hearing, but his tone… something was happening.

"Derek,"

"No." He whispered. "No, Meredith, not now," he said gently.

"You're the love of my life… and I… I can't leave you for other women. I can't… but I need to." He said.

She stopped dancing and he stopped with her, holding onto her so she couldn't run.

"I don't… I don't mean I need to leave you for other women. But I need to leave you," he explained, quickening his words as he sensed her tension growing. She wanted to run, she wanted to run far, far away and pretend that she wasn't hearing this.

"I told you once, that you deserved someone who would never hurt you…"

"Derek, please, stop," she begged him softly.

"You deserve someone who would never make you think you weren't good enough for them. Someone who doesn't make you cry on closet floors. Someone who will breathe for you."

"Derek," She pulled away from him, and he looked into her tear filled eyes. "Derek, no. Stop this right now, this is crazy. We should go, we can talk, we'll talk about this at home. This can't be done here, there are too many people, and we should just," during her rambling Derek held onto her hands, a sad smile growing on his face as he looked at her, his own eyes glazing slightly with tears.

"We should talk. Not here, just… come on, lets go," she tugged on his hands, but he pulled her back quickly, pressing a kiss to her mouth. She eagerly, desperately even, deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms firmly around him, holding him close, winding her hands in his hair, doing everything she could think of to keep him close. He responded, kissing her deeply, burning her taste into his mouth, his hand on her chin as he held her. Finally he pushed her away.

"Der…" she began tearfully, her hands gripping at his coat. His hands covered hers, pulling them free.

"I love you. Whatever happens, don't question that. Don't… I will always love you. You're the love of my life, remember that." He said and in the blink of an eye, he'd torn himself from her arms and he was across the dance floor and out of the room.

Meredith shook slightly on the floor, before walking numbly to an empty chair.

And suddenly everything was remembered.

Izzie and George stopped their casual laughter and joking as they watched her and they saw Derek leave. Their faces darkened and George immediately withdrew his arm from Callie as they both got up to go to her.

Cristina stopped laughing with Burke as she saw the tears spilling down Meredith's cheeks. She took her new husband's hand and tugged him over to her friend, letting go as soon as they got there.

The whole room stilled and they looked at the beautifully broken girl who was near tears.

"Mer… Mer, what happened?" Cristina asked quietly, kneeling by her friend. "He… he…"

And then she started to laugh. A clear, ringing sound that filled the entire room. "He said I'm the love of his life! He loves me, he does, and I'm the love of his life!" She paused, her laughter continuing and she leaned back in her chair.

"But he left! He just left me! One moment we were dancing and the next… I was begging him to stop and he was ending us!" She laughed, tears now filling her eyes and her face crumpled slightly.

"He left! He left, he left, he left!" He said, shoulders shaking now from tears and laughter.

The whole room thought this was a strange reaction. Apparently she'd just been left and now she was laughing.

But only her friends knew that this was a Meredith Grey who was truly broken up inside.

_The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love._

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_**So that was chapter six. A bit short, but I figured I might be able to crank out one last chapter. And guys? You have no idea how much I hate doing this to you. Doing this to MerDer after… that night… but it was always part of the plan. If I didn't have company on Wednesday then this would have been up before all this pain and misery was thrown upon us. **_

_**So. Want more? You know what to do. I've gotta say guys, I really am… well, you know, stunned, at the turnout this has received (though I have noticed a lag of reviews for the last few chapters… sorry if I did something wrong :( ) and I really do thank each and every one of you. I've decided it's impossible to keep up with reviews AND writing, so after the next chapter, I'll respond to all of them.**_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	7. Look Past Everything I Have Ever Learned

_**Disclaimer: This is it. The end. The real end. I think you'll find it much more enjoyable than last chapter and what that real finale was. Or at least I hope so….**_

**_Uploading this early because I forgot to mention it last chapter... but this one is a semi-continuation of last one... because did you seriously think that I was going to let MerDer break up? Seriously?! Me::sigh:: They're my golden couple, mkay? LOL. And I know last chapter was kind of like the show... but I had that planned BEFORE the show... and then the show aired... and then I knew I was in trouble, lol. Anyway, ON WITH THE STORY!_**

Burke leaned down to Cristina's ear. "I'll go," he muttered. "You stay." She nodded and placed a hand on her crying friend's knee, and Burke turned, walking quickly across the dance floor and out of the room. He looked through the building, and when he came up empty handed, he left, going out to the parking lot where he finally found Derek, sitting on a bench, his hand frozen to his car keys, his eyes glassy and staring straight ahead.

Burke took quiet steps until he was directly behind him, and even then, even when Derek sensed him, he didn't move.

"I…" Derek started to speak, but he couldn't. He couldn't explain his actions to someone who didn't understand why he did what he did, especially when he was not one hundred percent sure why he did it. He knew it was because he couldn't hurt her… that she deserved better… but he still felt as if he'd made the worst mistake in his life. Worse than when he had left her for Addison, because then he'd had something to turn to, a technical reason to leave. Now he left her for nothing….

"What happened?" Burke asked quietly and firmly, his hands in his pocket, his tie loose around his neck.

"I can't… hurt her." Derek said. "I can't… she's been through so much and I've… we are always… hurting each other," he said, in a slightly awed tone of voice. "And I can't… it's too much." He said.

"Derek… she's in that room crying right now."

There was a pause before Derek swallowed.

"It's to be expected." He said, his voice breaking slightly.

"That's all you can say? That girl is crying her heart out because you left her after her best friend's wedding, and all you can say is 'It's to be expected?'" Burke questioned him incredulously.

"What do you want me to say," Derek said as more of a statement then a question. "That I wish I hadn't? That I wish I didn't have to? That I wish I didn't hurt her more than… that I wish I hadn't…"

He stopped, trying to get control of himself.

"I can't hurt her anymore. I can't help that I hurt her, yet again, but if it stops me from hurting her in the future… I'll live with it." He said.

Burke looked at his friend, at his best man, not knowing what to say.

There were no words to describe his foolishness.

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Cristina had forced Burke to put off their small honeymoon that he had forced her into in order to spend the night with Meredith. Or rather, to have Meredith spend the night with them.

Meredith spent the night on the couch, and the next morning she was virtually like a Zombie, walking around with circles under her eyes, her hair tousled, her hands continuously clutching at some sort of container that held coffee. They went to the hospital and she did her best to avoid Derek. She had to talk with him, and she knew exactly what she had to talk to him about, but… every time she saw him she felt empty.

The entire day was a game of avoidance, and she smiled wryly to herself as she thought to all those months of avoidance she had done when he was with his wife. She volunteered to be the new resident down in the pit for the day… anything to make sure that she didn't have to see him, at least not until she was ready.

The day was drawing to a close and she knew that she had to catch him. She took a deep breath before starting on her search for him. Of course when she needed to find him, he would be nowhere to be found. With a helpless sigh she made her way to the locker room and got dressed. She went down to the lobby in the elevator, surprised when she did not find him even there, and then, she saw him.

He was leaving the hospital, his bag in his hand, shoulders slumped and she ran to catch up with him, her hair bouncing around her shoulders.

"Derek!" She called, breathless, and he whirled around to face her, emotions flashing across his face.

"Mer… Meredith." He said, trying to keep his voice as strong as he could. She looked horrible. Well no, not really. She was breathtaking, she always was and always would be. She just… she looked tired and sad… and determined.

"Derek, we need to talk." She said, looking up at him, her voice taking on a slightly pleading tone.

"Meredith,"

"Shut up." She said. "You say Meredith--"

"And you yell…" He said softly, a small smile on his mouth, his eyes lighting up for just a moment. Her face mirrored his before her smile dropped and she cleared her throat.

"I know." She said and he blinked at her for a moment.

"I know, that I didn't… that I haven't been letting you in. I know that I gave up in the water, I did give up," she said, not bothering to deny it anymore.

"I gave up. And I came back, and you were hovering and I yelled at you. And it wasn't nice, and I apologize. But then you stop… you stop being with me, you keep your distance, and in the meantime I'm trying to make it work. And then you can't breathe for me." She stopped, blinking away a few tears.

"You can't breathe for me. Oh wait, no, you don't know if you want to keep trying to breathe for me." She said and he looked down at the floor. "You say that, to me. Me, Derek, and I…" She paused.

"I can't breathe on my own. I try, but… when I do, I wind up with people like Steve." She referred to one of many guys she had slept with to fill Derek's spot. "So I need help. I can try to breathe on my own, but I need help. And you _didn't want to_!" She said fiercely.

"How was I supposed to tell you things, things that I would at least need help with breathing, when you didn't want to?" She asked him, her eyes wide and wondering as she gazed into his face, questions swimming in her eyes. He looked back at her, sadness veiling his face, and his mouth moved, but no sound came out.

"Was I supposed to tell you anyway and have you blow me off?" She asked softly. He didn't know what to say, because right now, just in that moment, he thought to himself that he wouldn't have blown her off. But before… he couldn't be sure if it actually would have been what he would have done.

"Meredith, I…" he started in a gravelly voice, thick with emotion. "I don't…"

He stopped and they looked at each other, their gaze tearing into the others. Both of them opened their mouth to say something more at alternate times, but nothing came out.

His eyes flickered across her face, taking in everything that it held. He'd spent months trying not to look, trying not to care. He'd let her go, and now….

"I'm sorry, Derek." She said quietly. "I am… but you really…" she sighed. She wanted to say he couldn't blame her, but in a way he probably could. She wasn't sure how, but it was her. There had to be some way which would also make it her fault.

"I'm… I get it. I'm too scary and damaged for you to deal with. I know you think you love me, that I'm the love of your life," her voice hitched on the last few words. "But I'm not… I get it, you can't… Derek, if I really were the love of your life, you'd be able to breathe for me. And you can't, and it's… it's ok," she said, while he stiffened at her words, his jaw clenching slightly.

"I was the girl you met in the bar. The intern you screwed to get over being screwed. The rebound girl." She said and he blinked incredulously at her, his mouth opening a little and he edged towards her. She took a step back.

"So go. You… I'm not, I'm just not," she rambled. "Go to your girl in the bar. She's not the rebound girl, so it's ok. She'll be less scary and less damaged, she won't have baggage, she won't be me, she'll be, she'll be good for you. She'll be the love of your life." She said quickly, trying to get it over with. He was franticly shaking his head a little and she stepped away.

"Bye, Derek." She said quickly, turning and walking quickly out of the hospital. She heard footsteps behind her, and heavy breathing. She walked quicker, breaking into a light run and she heard the footsteps pick up behind her. She blinked back tears that appeared in her eyes; she wasn't sure if it was from running into the cool night air, or if they were starting on their own. She knew that she wouldn't be able to outrun him, and she was proven correct when she heard something drop behind her, and all of a sudden, an arm was around her waist, pulling her back close to a hard, solid chest.

"What did I say to you?" He breathed in her ear. She turned her head away from his mouth.

"Derek," she whimpered softly but he pulled her tighter. "What did I say to you yesterday?" He whispered, his voice dangerously low.

"You said… you said that you needed to leave me," she said softly.

"And after that?"

"Derek,"

"And after that?" he repeated again with more force.

"That I deserved someone better… someone who wouldn't hurt me… someone who would breathe for me."

"And after that?"

She swallowed, closing her eyes as she remembered.

"That you loved me,"

"Love," he interrupted quietly.

"That you love me… and to never question that…. That I'm the love of your life." She said softly.

"Right," he breathed, his tone lowering, his grip loosening slightly. "So don't ever question it… you are the love of my life. You are not the intern I screwed… you might be the girl I met in the bar, and you might be the rebound girl, but you're not, you're so much more to me."

There was a pause.

"So don't question it." He started to remove his arm from around her waist but she held it there. "You ended things…" she whispered. "You're always… always ending things." She whispered.

"I can't hurt you again," he said, his voice breaking. "I couldn't… you weren't breathing. For twice in my life I've had to see you physically not be able to breathe and I can't…"

"I didn't want you to breathe for me, I told you that." She said quietly. "But Derek," she turned in his arms, and looked up at him. "We're always going to be made to be broken… I think… we're that couple. That yo-yo couple, and it's painful, but we… we're us. We'll work out… I think as long as we know that…." She paused. "If we can survive Addison and Finn… then we can make it… I have hope, Derek." She admitted softly. It was true, they had survived his wife. His _wife_. Surely they could survive another girl in a bar.

He paused, looking over her head, across the parking lot.

"…_. We all knew it was too good to be true, but she was hopeful! Meredith Grey was hopeful, do you have any idea how rare that is? After… after all the crap she's been through, after all the crap we've been through,"_

Izzie's voice ran through his head. And suddenly he really did know how rare that was. He supposed he always had, but this… here she was, actually saying she had hope.

He looked down at her, and placed his hand on her cheek. He brushed his thumb across it for a moment, before trailing it to her chin and tipping her face up, before pressing a firm yet gentle kiss to her lips. Neither one of them moved. They stood there, kissing, letting their emotions pour out through their mouths.

Finally, Meredith pulled back. She looked up at him and opened her mouth.

"We… we have to work on this. On us." She said in a trembling voice. "We can't… we have to communicate and we have to learn and…" he nodded his agreement. "We do. We've been horrible at that so far…" he said. He kissed her forehead before holding her close to his body in a tight hug, his arms wrapped around her tiny body, almost as if she were a letter and he were her envelope. He kissed the top of her head before resting his chin on it.

"We'll make it through this I promise." He whispered. She nodded against his chest, before wrapping her arms tightly around him, burying her face in his chest.

"I love you." She said in a muffled voice.

"I know Mer… I know."

_The weight of the water, the way that you told me to look past everything I had ever learned._

-Fin.

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_**So um… wow. I just ended my first fic. And my actual first fic isn't even done yet… nowhere near… huh. Kind of sad. I'm going to miss this fic, it was a lot of fun… well, no, actually, the angsty writing made me cry half the time, so it wasn't fun, but I still enjoyed writing it, LOL. **_

_**And you guys were awesome!! Completely amazing, I… yeah, there's going to be a list. Later.**_

_**That was the end. It's not really happy per say, it just ends. Because honestly, Mer and Der ARE the yo-yo couple (I came up with that even before I read the writer's blog so HA) and they have an incredible amount of stuff to work on… but they'll be ok, because they're them. Meredith doesn't have hope, so when she does, you've gotta know it's going to be something worth hoping for. They're fine. It's not a fluffy ending, but it's a nice, calming, reassuring ending. Hope you liked!**_

_**Now… thank you guys for everything! For reading this story, for taking the time to read, and for reviewing… thank you, thank you, thank you. **_

_**Thanks goes to (definitely in NO particular order): azqwest, carsonfiles, DeathDealer210912, MeredithandDerekfanforever, b.a.b.i.b.l.u.b.l.i.s.s, McMaryShepherd, bellatrixvssirius, AFan17, McBitchy, flowerbudd, Lizzie9, xiao chan, dumbbrunette273, MoonlightGardenias… there are so many of you. I just… I thank each and every one of you. I know I said this before… but this is the last chapter! So… I will be responding to EACH and EVERY review that I get, and I might get to a few previous ones too. Because I want to thank all of you for reading, reviewing, and for like the story!! Thanks again!!**_

_**Ta-ta for now! Oh, and I have a new fic coming out soon… ha, it might even be out right now! It's called **__**It's Not Over**__**… MerDer of coursed. Keep your eyes open for it!!**_


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